Title : Why I turned down Time magazine
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Why I turned down Time magazine
Normally, I don't answer calls from unfamiliar phone numbers, but the ringer woke me from a sound sleep and I just wasn't thinking straight. A cheerful female voice identified herself as an editor for Time magazine."We've chosen you!" she announced. "We'd like to make you Time's Person of the Year."
"Why me?" I asked.
"We liked what you wrote about the Franken thing. Especially that line about the newt." She quoted one of my recent posts: "Leeann Tweeden could have said 'Al Franken turned me into a newt' and Franken would have had no choice but to say: 'I'm extremely sorry for turning Leeann into a newt. In recent times, we've all learned a great lesson about male privilege and non-consensual animal transformation.'"
"You guys liked that?" I asked.
"Oh god, it was hilarious. You killed. Here in the office, it was all we could talk about that morning."
"Huh. Good to know. That joke didn't get a laugh from any of my regular readers. Used it twice, and still no reaction."
"Really?" said the Time lady. "We thought it was even funnier the second time. Someone printed out a photoshop thingie that had Leeann Tweeden with the head of a newt. And that's when we decided to ask you to be our Person of the Year."
"Isn't this the first time you've made the choice based on a joke?"
"First time since Hitler. 'Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!'" By the end of the joke, we were reciting the words together -- after which, we collapsed in a fit of near-fatal cackles. Then she regained her composure: "Of course, we can't pronounce you Person of the Year without your permission. Obviously, we'll need to do a professional photo shoot."
"In that case," I said, "I must decline the honor. I don't allow photographs these days. Too ugly."
She begged and begged, but I remained adamant.
"Damn it," she said. "If you say no, then we have to go to our number two choice: Donald Trump. And he's almost as ugly!"
"Yes," I said, "but he doesn't know it."
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