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Title : How to survive election night
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How to survive election night

Progressives allow only one person to speak an unwelcome truth: Bill Maher. On his most recent show, Maher actually said the unsayable: Trump is closing the gap with Biden. (See the post below for a truly horrifying chart.) Maher also voiced the forbidden truth that neo-Stalinist efforts to muzzle free speech will translate into fewer votes for Dems. He even mentioned the allegations that Bill Clinton went to Epstein's island -- the smear that will insure Trump's re-election.

(Maher does not know -- yet -- that the Epstein smear is, in fact, a smear, and that Biden himself is vulnerable. Can someone please show him this? It proves that Clinton is innocent.)

The virus is finally starting to lose strength -- and when it vanishes, so do Biden's chances. Trump has cleverly made sure that generous unemployment benefits will seem to come from his personal beneficence. The Dems will get none of the credit. The Tangerine Terror has outmaneuvered Pelosi.

Biden will lose. Afterwards, of course, the Dems will blame Biden. They won't blame the voters who chose Biden, because black people made that decision and it is an article of faith among progressives that black people never, ever make tactical errors. (Ever.) Instead, we'll hear vague talk of nameless, invisible "elites" who foisted Biden upon black voters who didn't really want him.

It'll happen just like that. You know DAMNED WELL that it will. I dare you to try to mount a counterargument.

Let us now address an important question: How to get through election night? I've already made my plans.

First step: Vodka! Get some really big bottles (plastic, not glass) of cheap vodka. Mix it with, I dunno, some kind of icky-sweet fake fruit juice or imitation Dr. Pepper or whatever. (You can afford actual orange juice? Swankpot!) Forget quality: You're looking for quantity. You'll need it. Go ahead: Destroy your liver. It's Trump's re-election night and nothing matters anymore.

Second step: Movies. Seek out movies that you enjoyed when you were a kid. This is a night to wallow in happy memories, to become nine years old again. You definitely don't want works of art. You want dumb movies -- what my ladyfriend calls "non-hurty-brainy" movies.

If you have a certain amount of grey atop your scalp or in your beard -- if you were a nine-year-old boy in the 1960s or the 1970s -- I have just what you're looking for. Go to this glorious page. Behold! The Internet Archive has gifted you with decent-quality copies of all the classic Universal monster movies. Free. Get them on your hard drive now.

On election night, skip the classic classics. Ignore the original installments of each series -- the first Dracula, the first Frankenstein, the first Mummy, the first Invisible Man. They're far too slow and serious, and you've seen them too many times. What you want are the the later installments. They're totally insane B movies -- fast-moving, cheap and silly. The best of them are filled with amazing dialogue by half-smashed writers out to grab a paycheck while subverting the genre.

Take The Invisible Woman (1940), in which the perpetually-inebriated John Barrymore clearly has trouble reading his cue cards. (He looks like Trump doing battle with his teleprompter.) The script -- which features many surprisingly bold references to the title character's nudity -- includes this brilliant exchange:

"Call the airport. We're leaving."

"Oh, airport!"

"No, on the phone."

(After three fingers of 80 Proof Anything, that'll seem hilarious.)

You'll also want to see Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, in which Lon Chaney Jr. -- the screen's greatest self-loathing sad sack -- delivers this sublime line: "Now I want to die too. Won't you show me the way?" On Trump's re-election night, you'll drink to that.

And if the vodka hasn't yet knocked you flat, fire up House of Frankenstein, in which Dracula (John Carradine) seeks a cure for vampirism. This is the film in which the Wolfman says of the Frankenstein monster: "He wanted life and strength. I wanted only death. Yet, here we are." (Those words will sum up your life on November 3.) This is also the movie in which a flirtatious young woman tells Lon Chaney Jr. "Now, don't start barking at me."

Although the Universal monster movies will suit me just fine, my ladyfriend has expressed a preference for the Hammer versions. I can see her point: Cushing and Lee were superb, color adds much, and one does want the occasional dab of gore. But too often, the Hammer scripts were dull and lacking in wit. Nobody wants to admit it, but those all-important undertones of subversive fun are just not there.

Here's another welcome blast from the past: Ray Harryhausen movies scored by Bernard Herrmann. Those classics will chase away the election night blues.

Sure, I love Herrmann's work for Hitchcock -- but does anything say "high adventure" like the opening chords of Mysterious Island? (Well, maybe Jerry Goldsmith's title music for The Wind and Lion.) You can hear those chords in the trailer embedded above. When I was very young, this score taught me how much music can add to a movie. If you can forgive some iffy matte work -- inescapable, given the film's vintage -- Mysterious Island is a terrific, fast-moving movie that can still capture a young person's imagination. The screenplay also offers a bit of well-written dialogue in which a Union soldier questions the morality of Captain Nemo's terror campaign:

"Considering the ships and crews you've sunk without mercy, you can't disturb my conscience."

"Can't I? What I did was in the name of peace. Your war, like all wars, glories in devastation and death."

"Well, my war will set men free. That's a struggle that belongs to all men, don't you think?"

At that point, I'd like to see actor Michael Craig turn to the camera and add: "So fuck you, Jamelle Bouie."

So there's my "how to survive election night" plan. Your film picks will differ from mine, depending on which movies you loved before/during puberty. Vodka may not be necessary; I won't blame you for choosing some other substance to abuse. Chacun à son goût.

Here's what you must not do: Do not hop onto Democratic Underground or any other left-leaning forum to spar with BernieBros, Clinton-haters, Krystall Ballers and Cenk-wankers. Don't bother talking to the dolts who insist that, next time, the party must pay even more attention to feminists, gays, the transgendered and left-of-Biden Black activists. Don't converse with progs who assure you that, next time, the party must show even more disdain for the white working class. 

Lots of people will give you that advice. Some of those people live in St. Petersburg, although they will pretend otherwise. The Dems won't win until we stop engaging with those assholes.

Thus Article How to survive election night

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